He's Mine You May Have Had Him Once

Okay, let’s get one thing straight: I'm not starting a fight, but I am planting my flag. I'm talking about... well, you know...him.

Maybe you knew him *way* back when. Maybe you shared a pizza in college, or endured that awful summer internship together. Good for you!

He's in a Different Universe Now

But honey, that was another lifetime! Think of it like this: he was version 1.0 then. Now? He's the fully updated, platinum edition, and I've got the exclusive license.

Sure, you *might* have taught him a thing or two about parallel parking, or introduced him to that obscure band he still loves. I appreciate the groundwork, truly!

However, I'm the one who gets to witness his morning hair. The one who laughs at his truly awful jokes. The one who knows exactly how many sugars he takes in his coffee.

The Evolution of Man: Thanks but No Thanks

He might have been a tad rough around the edges when you knew him. Like a charming, slightly dented antique.

Now, he’s been lovingly polished. He's a masterpiece crafted by, well, me (with a tiny bit of help from a really good beard trimmer, let’s be honest).

Don’t get me wrong; I’m sure you have fond memories. Maybe you even believe he's "the one that got away." But let's be real, sometimes "getting away" is the best thing that ever happened to him. And *me*.

Let's Talk About The Present

Think of it as inheriting a plant. You might have given it the initial sunlight and water.

But *I'm* the one who’s repotted it, given it the right fertilizer, and now it's blooming like crazy. It's basically a jungle in here thanks to my green thumb.

I’m not saying your contributions weren't valuable! It’s just… he’s *mine* now. All mine. Like finding the last slice of pizza, or winning the lottery... multiplied by a million.

The Proof Is in the Pudding (Or the Instagram Photos)

Besides, his social media speaks volumes, doesn’t it? Who’s he tagging in all those vacation photos? Who’s the subject of all those ridiculously cute couple posts?

That's right. Me. And I look amazing, by the way. Just saying.

So, let’s raise a glass to the past, to lessons learned, and to the fact that he ended up exactly where he was supposed to be: right here, with me.

Consider it a Closed Case

This isn't about being competitive. It’s about celebrating a love that's thriving, a connection that’s electric, and a man who’s finally found his perfect match.

And that perfect match happens to be... me. So, you had a chapter, and I’ve got the whole darn book!

Ultimately, I'm just thrilled he's happy. And, incidentally, that I'm the reason why. Let's all be friends (from a safe, respectable distance, of course!).

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my ridiculously amazing, perfectly-evolved man.