I Put All My Points Into Defense

Imagine a life where instead of chasing the spotlight, you become the ultimate safety net. A fortress of calm in a world obsessed with offense.

Picture this: birthday parties where I'm the designated balloon animal shield, strategically positioning myself to intercept rogue balloon-darts aimed at unsuspecting toddlers.

The Great Wall of...Me

No, seriously. I became the designated grocery bag carrier, mastering the art of distributing weight to prevent arm-snapping disasters. I could probably carry enough groceries to survive a zombie apocalypse.

It's a life less about flashy victories and more about preventing epic fails.

Remember that time Uncle Jerry tried to carve the Thanksgiving turkey with a butter knife? I was there! Armed with a proper carving set and a gentle suggestion, disaster averted!

Unexpected Perks

You might think this is a thankless job. It is absolutely a thankless job. Jokes aside, I found a bizarre kind of satisfaction in being the person others could rely on. Like a real life tank.

Friends started calling me "The Buffer" when planning events. “Need someone to mediate the inevitable argument about which pizza toppings are superior? Get The Buffer involved."

Turns out, a life focused on defense is surprisingly peaceful. Less drama, more stability, and a whole lot of preventing things from going horribly wrong.

It's like being a walking, talking insurance policy against Murphy's Law. The Law of Attraction never stood a chance against my defensive strategy.

My house? Practically bomb-proofed with child locks, first-aid kits, and enough spare phone chargers to power a small city. It's my sanctuary.

The Art of the "No, You Go Ahead"

You know those awkward moments when two people try to go through a doorway at the same time? I perfected the art of the polite retreat. "No, you go ahead!" It's a small victory for civility.

Crowded subway? I'm the human shield protecting innocent bystanders from rogue backpacks and elbows. Think of me as a public service.

I even started collecting obscure safety tips. Did you know that leaving a damp sponge in your microwave can prevent explosions? Now you do! I'm your personal safety guru.

The Heartwarming Moments

The most rewarding part of focusing on defense? Witnessing the relief on people's faces when I swoop in to prevent a disaster. A child about to fall? Caught! A wobbly table about to collapse during a romantic dinner? Stabilized!

There was this one time at a wedding… the wedding cake was about to topple over. I just happened to be standing near with a conveniently placed stack of napkins which served as a crucial support. The bride called me her "savior," and for a moment, I felt like a superhero.

Turns out, being a wall isn't so bad after all. Sure, I might not be the one scoring the winning goals or making the grand speeches.

But I'm the one making sure everyone else can shine, knowing everything is secure. My points in defense keeps the whole game going.

So, the next time you see someone quietly averting chaos, remember they might just be a fellow defense enthusiast. Give 'em a nod, they're doing important work.