I Think My Babysitter Is An Alien

Okay, people. Hear me out. I think my babysitter, Brenda, is an alien.

I know, I know. It sounds crazy. But the evidence is piling up.

Exhibit A: The Food Thing

Brenda eats things I've never even heard of. Like, straight-up kale smoothies. No fruit. Just kale. Who does that?

And she puts nutritional yeast on everything. "It's like cheesy flavor!" she says. My kids think it tastes like feet.

My golden retriever, Doug, won't even sniff the leftovers. Doug eats socks!

Exhibit B: The Sleep Pattern

Brenda doesn't seem to need sleep. She's always energetic, even after a late night.

I once came home early and found her…meditating. Floating slightly above the yoga mat. Okay, maybe not floating. But super still.

Plus, she claims to only need four hours of sleep a night. That's not human, right?

Exhibit C: The Unnatural Calm

My kids are…spirited. Let's just say that.

But Brenda never loses her cool. Never. Not when they're drawing on the walls. Not when they're having a screaming match over a LEGO. Nothing phases her.

Is that patience? Or some kind of alien mind control technique? I'm leaning towards the latter.

Exhibit D: The Stare

Have you ever been stared at by someone and felt like they were looking through you? Brenda does that.

She looks at my kids with this intense, unblinking gaze. I swear she's scanning their brains. Downloading data.

Maybe she's trying to understand human emotions. Or maybe she's figuring out how to conquer Earth. One tantrum at a time.

Exhibit E: The Odd Phrases

"Greetings, Earthling!" she said the other day. Just kidding. She hasn't said that.

But she does say some weird things. Like, "That is…an interesting biological construct," when my son showed her his Play-Doh creation.

And, "The atmospheric conditions are suboptimal today." What does that even mean?

Okay, Maybe I'm Overreacting... Slightly

I know, I know. It probably just means Brenda is…quirky.

Maybe she's just really into health food and mindfulness. Maybe she's a super-patient childcare professional.

Maybe I watch too many sci-fi movies.

But what if I'm right? What if Brenda is an alien sent to study our planet? To infiltrate our society? To…babysit our kids?

I guess I'll just keep my eye on her. And maybe hide the good silverware. Just in case.

Anyone else ever suspect their babysitter is secretly from outer space?

Tell me I'm not alone!