I Would've Stayed In The Primordial Soup

Okay, unpopular opinion time. I think I would’ve been happier as a microbe. Just bobbing around in the primordial soup.

Seriously, think about it. No bills. No awkward family gatherings. Just…existing.

The Allure of Simplicity

Life is complicated, right? So many choices, so much pressure. Sometimes, I just want to scream, "Take me back to the goo!"

Back when existence was purely survival. Photosynthesis and chill, anyone?

No social media doomscrolling in the primordial soup. No worrying about your carbon footprint either. Just good, clean, single-celled living.

No Pants Required!

Let’s be honest, pants are the worst. Especially jeans after a big meal. In the primordial soup? No pants! Liberation!

Think of the freedom! The sheer, unadulterated comfort! It’s an evolutionary step backward I'm willing to take.

Besides, who's going to judge your fashion choices when you're microscopic? Nobody, that's who!

The Great Filter: Ignorance is Bliss

They say ignorance is bliss, right? Well, imagine how blissfully ignorant you'd be as a single-celled organism. You wouldn't even know there *was* anything to be ignorant *of*!

No news cycles, no climate change reports, no political debates. Just absorbing nutrients and maybe splitting in two.

Sounds pretty idyllic to me. Less existential dread, more existential…well, *existence*.

Avoiding the Office Drone Life

Let’s face it. Most of us aren’t living our dream lives. We're stuck in traffic, answering emails, and attending meetings that could've been emails.

I'd rather be a tiny organism in a giant puddle. At least I wouldn’t have to pretend to care about quarterly earnings.

The sheer horror of spreadsheets is enough to drive anyone back to the primordial ooze. I'm serious!

The Social Scene (or Lack Thereof)

Relationships are hard. Family drama is exhausting. The dating scene? A nightmare.

In the primordial soup, you don’t have to worry about any of that. No first dates, no in-laws, no passive-aggressive comments at Thanksgiving.

Just pure, unadulterated solitude… or maybe the occasional friendly fission. And no divorce proceedings!

The Perks of Being a Microbe

Think about the superpowers. Reproducing asexually? Eating literally anything? Being virtually immortal?

Sign me up! I'd trade in my mortgage for that kind of lifestyle any day.

Maybe Charles Darwin was wrong. Maybe evolution peaked *before* we started wearing shoes.

My Final Offer: Return to the Soup

So, yeah. I stand by my initial statement. I probably would have stayed in the primordial soup.

Life might have been simple, but it would have been stress-free. And that, my friends, is priceless.

Who’s with me? Let’s ditch modern society and go back to our roots. Literally. You can find me by the nearest stagnant pool.