Ten Rules For The Night Security Guard
So, you're thinking about becoming a night security guard? Or maybe you are one. Either way, listen up.
Ten Rules For the Night Shift Warrior
Rule #1: Embrace the Darkness
Forget the sun. Moonlight is your friend now. Become one with the shadows. Develop an impressive owl impression.
Rule #2: Befriend the Coffee Machine
This isn't optional. It's a sacred bond. Treat it with respect and keep it clean (ish). Your caffeine levels depend on it.
Rule #3: Master the Art of the Power Nap
Okay, *technically* you're supposed to be patrolling. But a quick five-minute recharge is essential. Find a discreet, comfortable spot. We won't tell.
Rule #4: Invent a Backstory for Every Object
That stapler? It was a gift from a grateful CEO. The water cooler? It witnessed a corporate scandal. Imagination is key to surviving the boredom.
Rule #5: Learn to Love the Sound of Silence
Seriously, embrace it. Revel in it. Use it to sharpen your senses. And then, when something *does* happen, you'll be ready. Relatively.
Rule #6: Develop a Signature Move
Maybe it's a dramatic flashlight sweep. Or a perfectly timed throat clear. Something to let potential troublemakers know you mean business. Or at least, *look* like you do.
Rule #7: Always Have a Snack Stash
Hunger is your enemy. A well-stocked snack drawer is your arsenal. Beef jerky, crackers, that weird protein bar you bought on sale - anything goes.
Rule #8: Perfect Your "I'm Watching You" Stare
It's not about being menacing. It's about conveying a sense of authority. Practice in the mirror. A subtle squint can work wonders.
Rule #9: Document *Everything*
See a squirrel? Write it down. Hear a strange noise? Document it. The more detailed your report, the less anyone will question your sanity. Trust me on this one.
Rule #10: Remember You Are the Guardian of the Realm (Okay, Building)
Seriously, take pride in your work. You're protecting something valuable. Even if it's just a bunch of desks and a photocopier.
So there you have it. Ten slightly unconventional rules for the night security guard. Follow them, and you might just survive the shift. And maybe, just maybe, even enjoy it a little.
Just don't blame me if you get caught power-napping. That's on you.
And always remember: Safety first! (Except when you're sneaking that extra cookie.)
