Eric Harris And Dylan Klebold Hitmen For Hire

Were Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold Just Really, Really Bad… Handymen?

Okay, hear me out. This might sound crazy, but what if we've got the wrong idea about Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold? I know, I know, deep breath.

Everyone remembers the tragedy. But what if we're focusing on the wrong "job description?"

The "To-Do" List From Hell

Think about it. They made lists, right? A detailed "to-do" list. What if it was a poorly planned, tragically misguided, and horrifically executed… home improvement project?

I mean, have you ever tried DIY? It rarely goes according to plan. Maybe they were just supremely incompetent.

My own attempt at installing a shelf nearly took out a load-bearing wall. It's all about perspective, people!

The "Tools" of the Trade (Gone Wrong)

Okay, the "tools" were a bit… extreme. But haven't we all been tempted to overreact to a jammed drawer or a leaky faucet? Just me?

Let's be honest, frustration levels run high during home improvement. Maybe their fuse box was just really faulty.

And who among us hasn't wanted to blow up their computer after it crashes for the tenth time in a day? Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold just took it too far.

Customer Dissatisfaction: A Case Study

So, maybe they weren't "hitmen." Maybe they were just really bad contractors with zero customer service skills. The worst Yelp review ever, perhaps?

Think of all the projects that go wrong, the angry customers, the shoddy workmanship. It's a constant battle!

Maybe the "hit list" was just a list of people who hadn't paid them yet for… landscaping? Badly installed sprinkler systems? The possibilities are endless (and terrifyingly absurd).

The Real Unpopular Opinion: They Were Just Terrible at Their Jobs

I'm not saying what they did was okay. It was horrific, unforgivable, and a deep tragedy. Let’s keep that very clear.

But maybe, just maybe, they weren't masterminds of evil. Maybe they were just incredibly inept individuals who completely lost their way.

Imagine the Property Brothers showing up to fix the mess. Now THAT’s a reality show I’d watch.

Disclaimer: (Because I Have To)

This is satire, people! A dark, twisted, and hopefully slightly amusing thought experiment. Don't @ me.

The events at Columbine were a tragedy. This is not meant to diminish the suffering of the victims and their families.

I'm just saying, maybe we should consider alternative, albeit ridiculous, explanations for… everything.

The Final Verdict: Incompetence Over Evil?

So, were Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold hitmen for hire? Probably not. Were they tragically misguided and deeply disturbed individuals? Absolutely.

But could they have also been the worst handymen in the history of the world? The jury's still out. (Just kidding. They weren't handymen.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go unclog my sink. Wish me luck. I might need more than just a plunger.