My Time At Portia Martial Arts Tournament

My Wild Ride in the Portia Martial Arts Tournament

Okay, so I decided to enter the Martial Arts Tournament in Portia. I thought, "How hard could it be?" Famous last words, right?

Turns out, pretty hard. Especially when you're going up against people who seem to have been training since they were toddlers. I, on the other hand, mostly train by... uh... hammering things.

The Competition Begins!

My first opponent was this tiny, but unbelievably fierce girl named Remington. She looked like she could take down a yak with her bare hands.

I tried to use my signature move - the "Surprise Stun" - but she dodged it like it was a mosquito buzzing around her head. Then, bam! I was flat on my back.

The crowd was roaring, but I'm pretty sure they were mostly laughing. I got up, dusted myself off, and thought, "Well, that could have gone better."

Next up was Gust. He's this really tall, muscular guy who's usually busy drawing blueprints. Apparently, he's also secretly a martial arts master.

He whooped me. I saw stars. Twice. I was starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, building bridges was more my thing.

Unexpected Allies (and Enemies!)

But here's where things got interesting. During a break, Emily, who usually just tends her farm, gave me some tips.

She said, "You're too predictable! Mix it up! Throw in a few surprises!" Turns out, Emily is a secret martial arts guru too, apparently everyone in Portia is capable of beating me up.

Then there was Arlo, the leader of the Civil Corps. He acted all nice and supportive, but I'm pretty sure I saw a glint of amusement in his eyes whenever I lost. Friends, Romans, countrymen...lend me your ears!

My next fight was against Paulie. He is an old man. I thought I had it in the bag. I did not have it in the bag.

The "Lucky" Break

I actually managed to win one round! It was against Lee. He tripped. I swear I saw Django slip him a banana peel.

Victory tasted sweet, even if it was slightly tinged with the flavor of accidental tripping. I was feeling like a champ... for about five minutes.

The Grand Finale (of My Humiliation)

I made it to the semi-finals. My opponent? Sana. She is the best. At everything.

The fight was... short. Let's just say she gracefully demonstrated why she's the champion. I mostly demonstrated my ability to absorb punches.

The Real Reward

I didn't win the Martial Arts Tournament. Not even close. But I did learn a few things.

I learned that everyone in Portia is secretly a badass. That being predictable is a terrible strategy. And that sometimes, the best thing you can do is laugh at yourself. And maybe stick to building things.

Also, Emily makes a really good healing salve. I needed a lot of it.

So, would I do it again? Maybe. But next time, I'm bringing a really, really big hammer.