Why Have I Never Had A Girlfriend

Okay, let's be real. You clicked on this article. Maybe you're wondering the same thing. Why haven't *I* ever had a girlfriend?

Don't worry, you're not alone! I've spent countless hours pondering this great mystery of the universe. And I've come to a conclusion.

The Grand Theory of Girlfriend Absence

It's not you. It's... well, it's complicated. But mostly, I think it boils down to a few key things.

Option 1: I'm Secretly a Superhero

Think about it. Being a superhero is a *full-time job*. Saving the world doesn't leave much time for dates.

Imagine trying to explain to someone why you have to leave dinner early. "Sorry, gotta go stop a bank robbery. Be back in an hour… maybe." Good luck with that!

Plus, who wants to date someone who's constantly putting themselves in danger? My secret identity *needs* to be protected.

Option 2: My Standards Are Sublimely (and Hilariously) High

I'm not talking about physical appearance. I'm talking about the intangibles.

She has to love obscure documentaries about competitive cheese sculpting. Must appreciate my incredibly witty puns. Needs to tolerate my questionable fashion sense. A tall order, right?

Let's face it, I'm basically looking for a unicorn who also enjoys board games. And unicorns are notoriously hard to find.

Option 3: The Universe Is Protecting Me (From Myself?)

Maybe the universe knows something I don't. Perhaps I'm destined for greatness in a completely different field. Like professional competitive napping.

A girlfriend might be a distraction. A beautiful, wonderful distraction, but a distraction nonetheless!

Think of all the free time I have! Time to binge-watch questionable reality TV. Time to perfect my origami skills. Time to finally learn how to play the ukulele.

Option 4: I'm Perfectly Happy Being Single (Unpopular Opinion Alert!)

Gasp! I know, it's a radical concept. But maybe, just maybe, I genuinely enjoy my own company.

I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. No compromises. No explaining myself. Just pure, unadulterated freedom.

Is it lonely sometimes? Sure. But loneliness is a small price to pay for the ability to eat cereal for dinner every night.

The Real Reason (Probably)

Okay, okay, I'll be serious for a second. The real reason is probably a combination of all of the above. Plus, a healthy dose of *awkwardness*.

Dating is scary! Putting yourself out there is vulnerable. Rejection stings. It's much easier to just stay home and watch Netflix.

But maybe, just maybe, someday I'll stumble upon a cheese-sculpting, pun-loving unicorn who appreciates my questionable fashion sense. Until then, I'll keep practicing my ukulele.